The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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