I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
