So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
