Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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