Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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