Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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