I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
