"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
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We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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