I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
