what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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