I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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