Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
