Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
