the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
