Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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