i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
