i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
