remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
