pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
