Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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