You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Randomize
