she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
50% drunk capacity currently
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
