You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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