Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Randomize
