I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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