I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
