you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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