If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
