I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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