a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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