Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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