is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
