Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
