What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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