I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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