My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Randomize
