The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
