...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
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You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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