I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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