I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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