Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
