Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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