coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
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the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
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And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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