So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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