That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
