you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
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