my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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