Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
