Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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