So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
