I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
