Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
