In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I just threw up on my dentist
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
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