I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
you didnt know i had herpes?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
