you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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