i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
