Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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