Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
