Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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