Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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